On Top of Spaghetti
by l0stinl0ve
Summary: Darcy gets turned into a child mentally but is still physically the same. As a 'child' she is completely unaware of her adult body's effect on others and innocently she keeps flaunting herself unconsciously. Several of the Avengers have to battle with their attraction for her - lusting after her but feeling guilty as she is an innocent child. When she's back to normal they then hav
1. Lost My Poor Meatball

_Written for a prompt left to me on my tumblr._

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**Lost My Poor Meatball**

Bruce, Clint, and Steve were speechless. They were beyond speechless. Their vocal chords had been ripped out of their throats and were being stomped on by frost giants. They simply could not say anything because the sight before them was just. Just.

There were no words.

Darcy Lewis, the young buxom ex-assistant to Thor's girlfriend was sitting atop the kitchen island in an oversized tee shirt and pigtails.

All three men's mouths were agape. Each stood still where they had first entered the communal floor.

"There was an accident," Tony called out from the opposite side of the girl. If it wasn't for the panicked and scared expression on his face, the three men would have attacked him.

Darcy looked up from her spot, holding out a cup with an expectant look. Tony refilled it with some milk and poured some chocolate syrup into it. With a spoon, he showed her how to stir it. "She was in the lab bringing me things to sign for Pepper. And DUMMY caused an explosion with my latest experiment, and all of a sudden she was asking me if I was her daddy and crying."

Walking around the island, he dragged all three men into a huddle where they could keep an eye on her. "Don't tell Pepper."

"Why is she dressed like that?" Steve asked, cheeks pink at the sight of Darcy's pale thighs.

"And the pigtails?" Clint choked, watching as Darcy licked her spoon clean of the chocolate.

Bruce's jaw was still on the floor.

"She was falling asleep in the lab, and was insistent that I read her a book before bed." Tony rubbed his face. It was highly probably that the man hadn't slept in the past thirty-six hours or so, but he looked like it had been two weeks since he last caught some shut eye. "She dragged me out of the lab and brought me up here. She said she needed sleep clothes and my shirt was good night dress. This morning she told me to do her hair." Gesturing at the pigtails, "That's what she wanted."

"All done," she called out in a little girl voice. Clapping, she spun around on the island, crossing her legs and peering at all four men.

They all gulped as more of her skin was exposed. Steve was the first to react and threw his sweater over her legs.

Pouting, she looked through eyelashes at each man. "Can we play now?"

"I have to fix this," Tony whispered as he walked away.

The three men were transfixed with what was before them, they didn't even realize Tony was gone until the elevator doors shut.

"What do we do?" Clint asked.

Bruce turned to look at Steve, expectant.

"Why would I know?"

"You're the leader." Bruce shrugged. He was already attracted to the girl, having to deal with her when Tony wouldn't hide in his labs. Darcy was Tony's PA and had an uncanny knack to get the Stark to do what he needed to (sleep, eat, attend a board meeting or two). The few times they had conversed, Bruce found himself enchanted by her brash and loud personality.

"Breakfast." Steve nodded, coming to a decision. "Miss Lewis, have you had breakfast?" He asked, stepping towards the fridge.

"Chocolate milk?" She held out her mug.

"That's not food," Clint responded, pulling the cup from her hands. "Do you want cereal?" Seeing her nod, he set to prepare a basic breakfast. He tried to ignore the way she would lick her plump lips. Since New Mexico, the archer had found his eye always finding the woman in any room. Seeing her as she was, so innocent and trusting, stirred something in this gut.

Bruce thought it best to let the two men deal with Tony's latest blunder. It was only fair as it was usually his job to take care of his science bro's botched plans. Grabbing the teapot from the cupboard, he filled it with water and placed it atop the stove.

Clapping, Darcy slid off the kitchen island and sidled up to Bruce, pressing her tight body against him. "Tea party?" She asked, eyes wide, and biting her lip.

Swallowing thickly, Bruce kept his eyes above the woman's head.

Steve barely hid his envy at the fact that Darcy was so close to the doctor. The Captain had been nursing a crush on the brunette for a few months now, and he was slowly working up the nerve to asking her out. Just the other day, Thor was giving him pointers for how to spend time with the Asgardian's lightning sister. And now the curvy, bubbly woman thought she was a little girl.

He felt horrible, especially as he realized the woman was _not_ wearing a bra.

"Oh god," Clint hissed, realizing the same thing.

"Maybe later." Bruce tried to hold back the growl. His inner beast wanted to throw the short little woman over his shoulder and hide her from the two other men in the room. He could feel her pebbled nipples, but tried to ignore how it was affecting him.

"No," she stomped her foot. "Tea party!" Reaching for two tea cups, she grabbed his arm and pulled him out of the kitchen towards the sitting area.

"Is it bad that I'm thinking about taking her to the zoo or something?" Clint asked, when he realized that he wasn't invited to the tea party.

"I really, _really_ want to say yes," Steve eventually replied, looking away from the back of Bruce's head. He tried to stop thinking of the odds he would have of hurting the man before he Hulked out. "But I'm thinking a trip to the park or museum would be fun with her."

Pushing Bruce to the ground, Darcy grinned before arranging her two tea cups. She returned to the kitchen and grabbed the teapot before instantly dropping it to the ground. The clattering sound drew the attention of the other men.

Darcy's eyes watered and she held her palm against her mouth. Bruce was too far and Clint stared as her lips kissed her hand. Steve, turning his Captain America persona on, rushed over to her. "It's okay," he whispered, ignoring the whimpering escaping her mouth. Dragging her to the sink, he ran water over the burn, rubbing soothing circles on her lower back.

No longer in pain, Darcy raised her wounded hand to the Steve's face. "Kiss it better?"

Groaning, Steve carded his fingers through his hair. The tightening in his pants was making the whole situation rather difficult. "Okay," he breathed out, caressing her hand before chastely pressing his lips to the burn.

Bruce had to take deep breaths to keep himself from doing something he'd regret. He knew that Darcy was just doing what any child would do when hurt. It was just unfortunate that he wasn't in the kitchen when it happened.

Clint was trying to figure out how to get his turn to hold the girl. Then he shook his head. He could be a bastard, yes, but he wasn't going to take advantage of a woman who thought she was a little girl. No matter how hot she was.

"I'm gone for less than an hour and you already hurt her?" Tony called out while stepping off the elevator. Pulling out a weird contraption from his pocket that resembled a screwdriver, the man pointed it towards Darcy and pressed down on it.

As fast as possible, Clint was behind Darcy, catching her before she fell to the floor. "What did you do?" He seethed, pulling her up into his arms and trying to keep her shirt covering as much of her as possible.

"Brought her back," Tony said, stepping over to the pair.

Steve had his arms reaching out, ready to grab Darcy away from the assassin. Bruce was already in the kitchen, glaring at the two other men, eyes softening when they landed on Darcy.

"She's going to sleep it off. And because Pepper would kill me if anything happened to my most competent PA since her, I'm going to take Darcy away from the pissing contest."

The three men prepared to argue, but Tony had already pulled Darcy into a bride-hold and was walking away.

"Do you know what he was talking about?" Clint asked, putting his hands into his pocket, not looking at the other men.

"No idea," Steve muttered, hiding behind the fridge door he just pulled open.

Bruce was cleaning the spilled tea pot. "Absolutely not."

Too consumed in their own thoughts, they didn't realize they were all thinking the same thing. _How to get Darcy Lewis to like them back_.

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**In the reviews, please vote for who you want Darcy to end up with: Bruce, Clint, or Steve. Thanks!**


	2. Nothing But Mush

**Nothing But Mush**

Tony knew he was fucked. If Pepper found out about the latest fiasco in his lab, the twelve percent jokes were going to be the least of his worries.

And it didn't help that Darcy was such a good looking PA. And really, Tony could ignore it. He would snark his way and flirt with the girl, sure, and Pepper was okay with that. But it was a whole other story when he found himself getting hard because his assistant was calling him _daddy_.

Tony knew he could be kinky. He enjoyed sex as much as the next guy. But he could admit in all his forty-three years of living, not once had he ever been called daddy and liked it.

Yet, when Darcy called him daddy, and hugged him close. It went straight to his cock. He was lucky that Bruce decided to sleep. Tony knew that his science bro wouldn't have if he was aware of the latest project Tony was working on, but he was Tony Stark, and he always got first look.

A recent SHIELD raid of a HYDRA facility had them coming back with some sort of machinery that no one knew what to make of. Tony, being the genius mechanic that he is, was reluctantly asked to take a look.

And he was looking. He had removed the hard shell encasing of the device and was using some tweezers to remove what appeared to be the microchip controlling the thing. Then his PA walked into his workshop in her usual loud fashion, causing him to drop the damn thing.

Then things went boom.

He was surprised that no one was coming to check in on him. It was pretty late, so he figured most everyone was asleep and the boom wasn't a fire sort of explosion, just a spray of sorts, that Darcy happened to breathe in.

Her eyes had glazed over and then a few moments later her plump lips wobbled. The girl looked like she was about to cry and Tony hated crying women. Even more when it was in _his_ lab.

Worst still, was when she had started to pull his shirt off him. He was still in shock and hadn't realized what was happening. She had stripped to just her underwear and pulled the shirt on.

_He had just seen Darcy Lewis' ample breasts._

If _that_ got out, Tony knew he was a dead man. Clenching his eyes shut, he tried to wipe the image from his mind.

It wasn't working.

Especially when he felt her pressed up against him again. She was tapping at his arc reactor, smiling up at him.

"Darcy?"

"Mhmm?"

"What's today's date?"

She shrugged, trailing her fingers around the edge of the reactor. Holding back the shudder, he tried to think what could have happened.

"Do you know what today is?"

"Sunday funday!" She clapped, making her tits bounce. And that was another image he would have to bleach out of his head.

"Okay, that's right? JARVIS, is that right?"

"Yes, sir, she is indeed correct." The AI responded. "I wouldn't know about it being a fun day though."

"True. Pepper already left for DC?"

"Yes, sir."

Well wasn't that a relief. He had a week of being Pepper free. Hopefully this would all blow over and no one would have to be the wiser.

"Why don't we go upstairs?"

Darcy pouted but grabbed his hand anyway. Wanting to let it go, Tony tried to pry her fingers loose. She only gripped him hard. He absolutely did not think about her hand holding something else. No he didn't.

"Fine," he sighed, pulling her after him.

When they arrived to the communal kitchen, Tony started fixing himself some coffee. Darcy hopped up on the counter and Tony tried to keep his back to her, less he stop and stare. Seriously, the girl was good looking, and interesting, how was it she was single? He vowed to fix that once she was fixed. Because if she was taken, and he was taken, he wouldn't be have any of these explicit thoughts.

Like stepping between her thighs.

_Pepper. Pepper. Pepper._

"Milk?" Darcy squeaked. She was using a little girl voice, and Tony was slowly starting to get an idea of what the device was meant to do. Mental regression? An interesting weapon. Could be fatal. Especially when used against insusceptible women. The men around them wouldn't know what hit them.

Darcy was always a flirt, but it was with her words and sly looks. What she had been doing, that wasn't flirting. And it made Tony feel like a lecherous old man. A feeling he had never felt before.

Fury owed him big.

Especially if Pepper ever found out about it.

And when the three men he had wished to have _not_ ran into at a time like this showed up into the kitchen, Tony got out of there as quickly as possible. He knew how each of them felt, and hey, maybe this would be the catalyst to push them? He'd enjoy the show, longest they started the competition _after_ Darcy was right in the mind.

With that thought, Tony rushed back to his lab and began tinkering. He had to come up with a way to undo the damage. An antidote of sorts would suffice. Luckily there was some residue on the floor.

"JARVIS, begin analysis"

Grabbing a syringe, he began building a casing around it, making it look like the Doctor's sonic screwdriver, something Tony knew Darcy would appreciate when she was in the right state of mind. Something he hoped would make her happy enough to keep this their little secret.

He was going to think later on how to keep the three men upstairs from mentioning this fiasco. He figured, based on their reaction, some blackmail would be in order. They'd throw it back in his face, but he could simply say that at least he didn't have any nasty thoughts about the poor girl.

None that they knew about, anyway.

So, nuclear deterrent, and all that jazz. He didn't like comparing his strategy to one of Fury's, but whatever, if it worked and kept him out of the doghouse and in Pepper's bed, then by all means. Fury away.

"A compound that should negate the effects has been found," JARVIS said, drawing Tony from his thoughts.

Eyeing the nearest holoscreen, he figured he could get the needed chemicals from Bruce's lab, mix it up, and make Darcy normal. Maybe she wouldn't remember and then he'd only have to worry about Bruce, Clint, and Steve.

Bruce would be easy to deal with, Tony already knew that the man thought he was all sorts of wrong for the young girl. Too old, the other guy, not muscular enough. Any other time, Tony would be all for convincing him otherwise, but he played to win, and while he wanted his science bro to be happy. Tony wouldn't be able to make Bruce happy if Tony wasn't happy.

Clint had a similar hangup. Too old. Too much blood on his hands. Not nice enough. Tony could probably mention something to Natasha or Hill about him being antsy, and he'd be sent on a mission. Hopefully it'd be long enough to repress that morning.

With Steve, Tony wasn't really sure why the man hadn't made a move yet. Sure, he could use age as a reason, but if you didn't count the time on the ice, he was the closest in age to the young woman. The man was definitely nice enough. Maybe too nice? Tony didn't know.

He did have one thing up his sleeve though. Well, he had plenty up his sleeves, but when it came to the love life of Darcy Lewis and his three teammates, Tony had intel that the men would have died for.

It wasn't eavesdropping when JARVIS was simply playing the footage that all parties knew was being recorded. One particular girls' night, Darcy had admitted to finding all three men attractive and interested in each for various reasons. When pushed to make a choice, she couldn't. And established that with none of them showing interest, there was no reason for her to choose, anyway.

With the antidote inside his sonic screwdriver, Tony went to retrieve the victim and based on how all three men were ready to fight to death, it looked like Darcy might be forced to make that choice. Shooting her up with the compound, he pulled her out the room after giving a parting shot to his teammates.

"Yeah, Darcy Lewis," he mumbled, "you're love life is probably going to get a whole lot interesting."


	3. All Covered With Cheese

**All Covered With Cheese**

"Why does my head hurt?" Darcy groaned, rubbing her temples. "And what the fuck is going on with my hair?" Pulling the pigtails, she noticed she was wearing a shirt she didn't recognize. Pulling the hem, she shrieked, "And whose the fuck is this?"

"Language," Tony chided from across the room. He had left her laying on the couch near the entrance of his workshop. That there were several tables, a soldering iron and a blowtorch between them was a plus.

"Fuck you," she screamed across the room. "JARVIS, lay it out for me."

"Of course, Miss Darcy," the AI replied. "After an accident in the lab-"

"Traitor," Tony muttered, carefully eyeing his PA while pretending to be working, fiddling with the tools on the workbench, hammering on the bracer to one of his suits.

"You seemed to have regressed mentally, insisting that Tony give you his shirt and fix your hair as such. He brought you upstairs for breakfast, but only gave you chocolate milk. He then left you with Doctor Banner, and Misters Barton and Rogers while he worked on an antidote. He gave it to you and brought you back here to sleep it off. Then you woke up."

"Ugh. Thanks Jay." Darcy finally pulled herself up on the couch. Carding her fingers through her hair, she glared in Tony's direction. "Seriously?"

"You're fault!" He shouted.

"Oh, and how is that?" Standing from her seat, she stomped over to Tony Stark, poking him in the chest - right in the middle of the arc reactor.

"You startled me at the worst possible time! JARVIS, show her."

One of the screens over a holodesk lit up and displayed Darcy the previous evening. She watched herself get hit by a random spray and cringed when she heard herself calling Tony 'daddy'.

"Did you at least sign the papers?" She finally asked, after letting everything sink in. It's been five minutes and she still hadn't fully comprehended. After all that, her original goal better have at least been completed.

"Umm. Want to see breakfast this morning? JARVIS, show the communal kitchen footage from when the team stepped on the floor."

"Other people saw me like this?" She shrilly said, glaring at Tony.

"Trust me, it was worth it."

They watched as Bruce, Clint, and Steve basically embarrass themselves over the sight of Darcy's legs, her touching them. When they start to glower at each other in jealousy, Darcy couldn't help but clap. Her smirk grew as the footage continued to roll. Hearing them mutter to themselves, the looks on their faces, it was all rather enlightening.

"Well, I guess I should trust you more." She side-eyed Tony, wondering if he would be interested in helping her with the plan formulating in her mind. If it all worked out, it could be epic, maybe, probably. "Hey, Tony."

"That look. No. I'm not joining in on your mischievous plans."

Wobbling her bottom lip, she pouted. She made sure to let her eyes water, but not tear up. "But-"

Eyes shutting as quickly as possible, Tony spun away from her. "I can't pick sides."

"You wouldn't be picking sides. You'd be helping me decide?" And that was sort of true? She wasn't really sure which one she wanted to ultimately be with. She had been nursing a crush on all three Avengers but had never really had the opportunity to spend a lot of time with any of them alone. Maybe doing this would help her figure it all out. At least she hoped so.

"So what? You're going to go out with each of them?"

"And mess with them a bit." And yeah, she wanted to spend time with each of them individually, but she also had to have a nice laugh. After that morning, they had left themselves open for it, really, they did.

This perked Tony's interest. Messing with his teammates was something the man lived for. "Oh?"

Shrugging, Darcy explained, "Maybe the antidote was faulty? Like, it worked but then stopped, only to work again? You know. I didn't realize they'd have a kink for the younger girl."

"Darcy, look at you. It's not just because you're a young girl. I think that's actually a deterrent."

Huffing, she crossed her arms across her chest. "Well, that's why I want to mess with them. Maybe get it into their heads that there's nothing wrong with me being young."

"Are you sure you want to go out with each of them? I don't know how they would take that?"

"Hence the plan of the faulty antidote!" Darcy throws a hand up as if she just had the best idea ever. "Who could say no to this face when they think I'm five."

Shaking his head, Tony couldn't really think of anything to say to that.

"So you in? You can just play along if you want."

"No, if I'm going to be a part of this, I'm all in." Standing, Tony went to grab a syringe and without warning, stabbed Darcy in the arm with it, pulling some blood. He was all for this plan of hers, it would provide entertainment for the coming week, that's for sure, but he wasn't one hundred percent comfortable with it, so this was his protest to the thing. "JARVIS, I need you to scan Miss Lewis and then do what you have to the results so that it shows not fully removing all traces of the spray? Are we calling it spray? Whatever it was in the device I was dismantling."

"You're such an awesome boss." She punched him in the shoulder, grinning.

Rolling his eyes, Tony's eyes raked her body. "You going to stay in my shirt? And continue to call me daddy?"

Trying to cover more of her thighs, she pulled on the tee, and smirked. "Like that do you?"

Giving him the eye that Pepper must have taught her when she was hired, Tony gulped. "Don't tell Pepper?"

"Ha!" Slapping her knee, Darcy stood from her seat. "I'll find some leggings. And maybe I'll try calling Bruce daddy. How you think he'd take it?"

"You might just manage to kill him."

"Clint?"

Shrugging, Tony replied, "He seems like the sort of guy who might be into that. Who you starting with?"

"Bruce. He owes me a tea party." Smiling, Darcy skipped out of the lab singing the Tigger song, replacing Tigger with Darcy. _The wonderful thing about darcys. Is darcys are marvelous claps! They're loaded with vim and vigor. They love to leap in your laps! They're jumpy, bumpy, clumpy, thumpy. Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! But the most wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!_

"You missed a verse," Tony shouted.

"When you have an appropriate replacement for 'their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms are made of springs' that wouldn't give me away as being in my right state of mind, let me know," Darcy shouted back, heading towards her quarters.

Both could only think they were in for an interesting week.

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If you have any ideas for how to rewrite the first verse to the Tigger song, I'd appreciate any help. Thanks!


	4. Rolled Out of the Door

**Rolled Out of the Door**

Bruce was sitting in his lab, trying to ignore the Other Guy growling about the 'little girl' from earlier.

It was proving to be difficult.

Focusing on his latest experiment was proving fruitless. And trying to work on a new formula for... Something. Also not happening since all Bruce could think about was the feel of Darcy Lewis pressed against his body.

The Other Guy had purred that morning, and he was usually quiet when around the spazzy woman. So, if Bruce ever decided it would be worth pursuing, he sort of had that major hangup under control.

But the age thing.

She thought she was five! That took the age difference to a whole new level.

And now - if Tony managed to fix things - the age difference would be something more normal? Not really normal, but more acceptable, that's for sure. Didn't Tony say that any other forty-year-old man would kill to have a twenty-something that looked like Darcy hanging off their arm?

Bruce could probably kill for that. _The Other Guy had come close a few times_. Like that morning. Sure, he had been jealous of his teammates before. None of them have normal lives, but Bruce can honestly say he probably has it the worse. Like, look at whatever issue a teammate has, and then take a step further, and then you have Bruce. He's just always a step further on the issues scale.

He needed a distraction from this distraction. Where was Tony when he was actually needed? Don't want to be bothered? Tony will be right there poking you. But when you actually want the annoying bastard around, he's nowhere to be found.

Well, he could be found. He was just one floor above, guarding Bruce's distraction.

The Other Guy had some ideas about that, and it was taking a lot out of Bruce to keep the Other Guy at bay.

Deep breaths. Listening to the tea kettle heat up on the bunsen burner. It was barely working.

"Bruuuuuce," a voice sounded from the entrance to the lab. It was Darcy, and she was pouting, shuffling in place at the door.

The Other Guy purred and buried himself into the back of Bruce's mind, forcing the man to gulp. _What to do? What to do?_

"Hi, Darcy."

With a big wave, she responded with a shouted "Hi!" She was in tights now, but it didn't seem like she put on a bra, if the extra bounce was anything to go by.

"Did Tony fix you?" He winced, probably not the best way to phrase that.

"I broke?" Her lip wobbled, eyes watered, as she looked down to examine herself.

Yeah, definitely the wrong way to phrase that. Standing up, he walked over to her. "No, no." He lifted her face by the chin, so he could look into her bright blue eyes. How he resisted the girl so long, he didn't know. And if she wasn't fixed, he'd have to resist even longer. "Definitely, not broke," he whispered, dropping his hands and taking a step back.

"Kay," the tears rescind, and the smile returns. Bruce mentally sighs in relief. Before anything else can be said, a loud whistle pierces the air. "JARVIS, what happened?" He asked the AI, smiling fondly at the startled look on Darcy's face.

"Sir's antidote worked for a few minutes but seemed to go through her system too quickly to remove any residual formula in her system."

"Does he need any extra help?" Bruce asked, watching as Darcy spun in a circle. He held back the chuckle trying to escape his lips.

"Sir is working on it now. He wants to give it a day before giving Miss Darcy another dosage. I'm sure Sir would appreciate it if you would keep her occupied. As she left a bit of a mess in his workshop."

"Sure." Bruce shook his head. He'd check in with Tony later because Bruce knew he knew about genetics than the engineer. But he could understand the man wanting to be the one to fix his own fuckup. How the man managed to get his PA in this state, he didn't know. But being given the chance to spend some extra time with Darcy (in her regressed state or otherwise) was too good for the man to pass up. "Tea party?" Her smile grew as she skipped over to the kettle.

"Careful," Bruce quickly followed, recalling earlier that morning when she burned herself. Using a rag, he pulls the kettle off the burner and shuts it off. Finding an extra mug, he puts another bag into it and pours tea for the two of them. Sitting himself in his chair, he watched as Darcy skipped around the room, looking at random things, poking at papers.

Sipping at his tea, he stared at the way her clothes hugged her skin. Maybe. When all was said and done, he could ask her out to coffee. It wouldn't hurt? If she wasn't interested, then so be it, at least he tried? Isn't that what Tony always told him?

"Yum," she hummed, seating herself on his lap, facing forward, thighs bracketing his legs.

_Fuck._ Breathing through his nose and out his mouth, his hands flailed, not really sure where to put them. She grabbed them and put them on her knees. He hoped she couldn't feel the sweat in his palms.

Bending forward to put her teacup down on the table, she pressed up against his groin. Gritting his teeth, Bruce tried not to sound out, barely holding back from gripping her knees. She kept fidgeting, which only meant she continued to brush up against his cock.

Wrapping his arms around her waist, he tried to force her to stop, but all it did was pull her into him, his cock perfectly resting between her ass. "Hmm," she hummed,leaning forward again for her teacup. She didn't move from her spot - she couldn't with the grip Bruce had on her - and he didn't realize how flexible she was, bent almost in half.

Giggling, she sat back, pressing her back on his chest, and lifted her legs. As if playing, she reached for her toes, all the while, her ass stroking his aching cock. Bruce knew it was wrong, really wrong, but it had been _so long_. He had to stop this before he pushed her forward and took her from behind. At least she had leggings on, because _God, did it feel good._

"Darcy," he squeaked, trying to hold her into place. "My tea is cold."

"Oh no!" She hopped out of his arms to inspect his cup.

Bruce let out a sigh of relief. "I'm going to make some more, maybe you could go get us some cookies for the tea party?"

"Kay," she giggled, skipping out of the lab.

Bruce decided this would be a good time for a bathroom break.


	5. In the Garden

**In the Garden**

So he was taking thinks-she's-five-Darcy to the zoo. Sue him. It wasn't his fault.

Well, it was. But fuck you, Stark. If Stark hadn't told him about the tea party Darcy had with the Doc the previous day, Clint wouldn't have insisted on taking Darcy out.

Nope, not at all.

Just, he couldn't have her spend all her time with Bruce. Not if he was going to convince her to give him a chance when she finally came to.

And yeah, he was sort of glad that the antidote failed that morning when Stark administered it once more. It meant he would get the chance to just goof off and not overthink things around the girl. Because, really, put him in front of a target, a bow in his hands, he was confident in hitting the mark. But, Darcy, an attractive young woman who he was more than interested in, well, he tended to get tongue-tied.

So going to the zoo with the girl when she wouldn't be judging him, well, it was too good of an opportunity to pass off.

It had nothing to do with the fact that she spent most of the day with Doctor Banner the day before.

Fuck off, Stark.

"Lolly?" She asked, offering the lolly that had just been in her mouth. Licking her lips, Clint couldn't help but watch as her tongue swiped over the leftover juice from the lollipop.

"No, its your's. Do you want to go to the arctic exhibit or the petting zoo?" Letting her grab his hand, he followed her as she lead them off to some other part of the place. He watched the way her hips swayed as she skipped along, ignoring the jealous looks some of the other men at the place. They could go fuck off, being at the zoo with kids. Probably had a woman at home. He squeezed her hand as a reminder that she was there with _him_.

He was glad when she finished the lollipop. It was as if it was invented to taunt him. The mental image of those lips around his cock, he really hated that they were in public. And that she thought she was five.

One time, when they had gone out drinking back in New Mexico, she had shared some of her sexual exploits. Mentioned how she had a kink for public sex and jokingly offered him a blow job in the bathroom.

How he wished he took her up on that offer.

And if she was in the right state of mind, he could have joked about it now, and she might have done it.

She had dragged them to a snake exhibit, pulling him up towards an anaconda. Pressing herself against the bar keeping her from the glass, he couldn't hold back a grin at her enthusiasm.

"Pet?" She looked at him with her big eyes, as if he could give her the world.

Just as he was about to say no, he choked. He watched as one hand gripped against the bar while the other started petting it as if she was allowed in the exhibit to pet the large snake.

It wasn't that hard for Clint to imagine her hands wrapped around another snake. (Fuck you, Stark, Clint knew that Tony called his dick things, too)

"I don't think that would be very smart, Darcy." He stepped up behind her and placed his hands on top of hers. Trying to repress the image.

And it had worked. For all of two minutes, until she pushed back into him, rubbing her backside against him. His cock was already at half-mast, and her soft curves were only making it worse.

"Warm," she hummed, forcing a groan out of Clint.

"Let's go somewhere else," he croaked, taking a step back.

"Kay," she dragged him after her, once more. Clint tried to walk as inconspicuously as possible while trying to rearrange himself. Luckily he had practice for a situation such as this (don't ask, just think of a past mission).

He followed her into the primate habitat.

"Banana!" She patted his arm, pointing towards a chimp eating the fruit. "I want one," she pouted, crossing her arms over her chest, uplifting the cleavage that Clint had managed to avoid most of the day.

"Umm," he wheezed, not really sure it was a good idea to give her a banana. Especially after her earlier display with the lollipop. When her eyes started to water, he shook his head and found a nearby stall selling the fruit. Paying for one, he returned to where Darcy was watching a chimp stuff the banana into his mouth and smiling with the fruit hiding his teeth.

Clapping excitedly, she took the banana out of Clint's hands, and try to do something similar, shoving the banana into her mouth.

He choked, as the girl couldn't manage to same trick as the primate, but performed a trick all her own. Looking around them, he was glad that there were no children present.

Not sure if it was a good or bad thing, he made a mental note that one Darcy Lewis did not have a gag reflex. This time it was him tugging her out of the exhibit. "Let's go somewhere else." Looking around the square he had pulled them too without a second thought, he noticed a line being led into an arena. "Let's go see what show they have scheduled."

"Okay," she grinned, let go of his hand and skipped ahead. He had to rush after her, losing sight of her for a short few minutes. Ignoring the voice in his head that sounded like Tony Stark (fuck you, dudebro), he sighed in relief when he found her sitting near the front on a blue bench.

"Don't do that," he sighed exasperatedly, collapsing into the spot next to her, wondering why the seats around them were pretty empty. There were a few teenage boys in the seats in the row behind them, but other than them, they were given a wide berth.

When a blowhorn sounded, he finally looked to the stage- that wasn't a stage. It was a giant pool, and the announcer was riding an Orca with four dolphins following. Realization dawned on him, and he started looking around for seats that weren't marked in blue.

They were all full.

Scanning Darcy from the corner of his eye, he realized the girl was wearing a tight white sweater. "Fuck me," he muttered to himself.

Turning, she smiled at him. "What?"

"Nothing," he shook his head, and pulled off his own hoodie and wrapped it around her. Maybe if he was preemptive about it, he would have one less reason to be sent to hell.

It didn't help. After the show, she excitedly spun and skipped around, not worrying about how the shirt (and his hoodie) clung to her skin. It gave Clint (and others that he growled at) little to the imagination.

(Fuck you Stark and your stupid experiments!)

As soon as Darcy was back to normal, he was going to take the girl out for a beer, and act out all the fantasies racing through his mind because of her actions during the day.

"Ice cream?" She asked, biting her lip and looking up at him.

Nodding, he followed after her as they got in line.

"Fuck me," he whispered to himself, trying not to focus on how she slurped at the treat.

* * *

_Oh man, this story is just full of awkward! And I wrote the next chapter already. It's Steve's POV, and once I have the chapter after that written, I'll post Steve's 'date'_


	6. As Tasty as Could Be

**As Tasty as Could Be**

Steve was trying not to feel like he was taking advantage. But he knew, deep down, that he actually _was_ taking advantage.

It was just, after another morning of watching Darcy kick her feet as she sat on the counter drinking the chocolate milk Tony gave her, he couldn't really help it. While drinking his cup of joe, preparing his bowl of Wheaties, he listened to her talk about her day at the zoo with Clint and her tea party with Bruce. He wanted in on that.

It was only fair, right?

And wasn't that what he stood for? Being fair?

It was a stretch, he knew, but whatever, it got him to commandeer the media room and spend the day with Darcy.

He wasn't really taking advantage, because they were doing something that they had discussed doing plenty of times in the past. She wanted to assist in getting him caught up with pop culture, talking about how a great way to do that was to watch Disney movies.

Well, now they were doing that when she could better appreciate the films.

And he was only resting his arm along the back of the couch. He was not trying to pull one on the mentally regressed woman. No matter what Tony Stark said.

It wasn't his fault that she decided to canoodle, and find warmth by pressing up against him.

Steve ran hot. Always had since the serum. So, he couldn't blame the woman from taking advantage. Technically, he was taking advantage that she wanted to use him as her person space heater.

He found himself enjoying their time together. Joking around about the movies, having to explain things when it was his first time ever seeing _Aristocats_ and _Jungle Book_. Darcy apparently had problems with talking animals, wondering if Steve could get her a talking pet.

The look on her face made him wish it was possible. He wondered if he could convince Bruce and Tony to add that to their of experiments.

After they fixed Darcy, of course.

Until then, he would enjoy how she tried to have a tickle war with him between _Dumbo_ and _Lion King_. (The theme of the day was talking animals, apparently.)

It wasn't until she was straddling his lap and he had to keep himself from kissing her that he realized that the situation was anything but ideal.

"Darce," he groaned as she pushed against him. "We should stop."

"I'm having fun," she whined, curling her fingers into his sides, forcing a laugh out of him.

"Me too," he said through gritted teeth. "But the movie is about to start."

"Fine," she huffed, sliding off his lap.

He sighed in relief, until she laid herself across the couch, resting her head on his lap, inches away from his half-hard member.

Fidgeting, he tried to rearrange himself without calling attention to his crotch. All it did was force Darcy to move in her spot until her her hair was pushed against his abdomen, her cheek practically laying on top of his cock.

"Fuck," he cursed to himself, something he only ever did in the company of Clint (They shared a military past, so Clint didn't think Steve was some boy scout like Tony). "Sorry," he whispered to the girl, as she looked at him in awe. Threading the fingers of his left hand through her hair, he gave her a shy smile. "I shouldn't curse in front of a lady. Or kid?" Shaking his head, he continued, "in front of you. It isn't proper."

"Fuck," she exclaimed, grinning. "Fuck. Fuck."

Throwing his other hand over her mouth, he tried to shush her. "That's a bad word, and you shouldn't use such language." Mentally, he continued to curse at himself. What would the team think if they heard that Captain America was the one to teach a five-year-old (Did it still count if she was in the body of a twenty-something that he very much wanted to fondue?) to curse.

Shrieking, he pulled his hand away and stared at the saliva resting on his palm. "Did you just lick me?"

Giggling, she rolled over so that her face was pressed against his crotch, forcing Steve to forget about his hand.

"Darce," he croaked, trying to figure out a way to pull her off of him without upsetting her.

She ignored him, and continued to giggle, rolling from side to side, her lips pressed against his now fully hard dick.

"Darcy." His fingers clenched in her hair, about to pull her away.

Then she hummed, making him completely forget what he had meant to do.

The vibration was more than pleasant. It was intoxicating, startling him to the core. She was humming along to what he thought was _Circle of Life_, and all he could do was smile at her silliness. He bet she was a fun five-year-old, back when she really was one. She was already pretty wild as an adult, he could only imagine what she was like as a child.

She moved to sit up, bringing him back to the present. Giving him a dubious look, she stared at his straining pants. "What's that?" She asked, pointing at the visible tent.

Blushing, Steve tried to watch as Simba and Zazu argued on the screen. Luckily, they broke out into song, dragging Darcy's attention away. She hopped off the couch and sang along to the song. "_I'm gonna be the mane event, like no king ever was before. I'm brushing up on looking down, I'm working on my roar_. Rawr!" She roared at him, then spun around to continue to sing along.

Dancing around, Steve used the distraction to stick a hand into his pants and rearrange his cock, trying to not think too much about how it was the happened to be the hand she had licked.

Before he could pull his hand back out, she fell back onto the couch and wrapped around his right arm, forcing him to still.

With his hands still in his pants.

Fuck.

Peering at her from the corner of his eye, he was happy to note that she was grinning at the screen. Trying to be as sly as possible, and will the flush from his cheeks, he pulled his hand from his jeans, as if it was in his pocket all along, and wrapped it around her shoulders.

God, when she was back to normal, he was going to make them watch some movie again. Finish what they started earlier during the tickle war.


	7. Grew Into a Tree

**Grew Into a Tree**

"This all going to backfire on you. Like, worse than the explosions in my lab," Tony smugly said, screwing something or other onto his latest project.

Darcy figured Tony had a point. She wouldn't admit that. Never ever. The man did not need anything else to boost his ego. But, Darcy had to take that into account. She knew what she'd been doing the past few days was borderline evil. Well, not really. It was more like, chaotic neutral? She wouldn't know. She didn't play Dungeons & Dragons, but it was the sort of thing Loki would try pulling before he went all crazy-from-the-void.

So she considered what Tony was saying, gave it a passing thought, and then disregarded it. If she really contemplated on it, she'd just back out. And then she wouldn't have _any_ man.

"Eh, you didn't spend time with them like I did. It could all work out." At least she hoped so. She sent a silent prayer to whatever Asgardian god was in charge of sex. Was it Thor? He was meant to be the god of Fertility, wasn't he? Well, if that was the case, and if they really did hear the prayers, she would have a lot to explain to Thor. But if everything worked out as she fantasized, she'd have to explain things anyway. So, oh well.

"And what exactly you're hoping to happen?"

"All of them."

"All of them?" He dropped the tools from his hands and stared at her incredulously.

"_All of them._"

Letting that sink in, Darcy watched as the man looked at her like a brand new puzzle. Eventually, his eyes sparkled, and he grinned. She felt that she should be afraid. Very afraid.

"Well, then. Give me the recap and then we'll plot ahead."

Or excited. Having a Tony Stark in your corner was always a good thing. At least, she would see it that way.

"So what was the point of the tea party?"

"Letting Bruce know that he was a man. A man with needs, and no matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to bury that away."

Nodding, Tony stretched a fist in her direction. She bumped it with hers, because seriously. Bruce needed to get some. Maybe it would make controlling his rage issues better? Who knows.

"The zoo?"

"Well, that was mostly to push Clint to realize he wanted me, and that waiting any longer would suck."

Another fist bump. Darcy grinned in anticipation for the next question.

"And Steve?"

"For fun."

Tony choked, "You wouldn't?"

"Naw, I wouldn't. But you should have seen his face when he got a hard-on in the middle of _Circle of Life_. Oh man."

"JARVIS, pull up the feed." Tony clambered around his project so that he was closer to the holo-screen. Darcy laughed alongside the man as they watched Steve's face during their afternoon of watching Disney movies. "You are _evil_."

"Not really," she shrugged. "He just needed to man up. And realize in this century, chivalry is cool and all, but a girl has needs."

"So now that your point has been made?" He asked, face beaming as he walked back to his spot by the workbench. He spun his chair around and straddled the chair, and looked directly at Darcy.

Knowing that his full attention was a short thing, she was quick to lay out her plans, hoping for the man's insight.

"Stop acting like I'm five? See if they'd be interested in going on a date? Find out how they would feel about sharing? Because there are fantasies-"

"Fantasies?"

"_Fantasies_" She blew on her nails and then buffed them on her chest. "All three of them, and me. I have them in different places, but I'll let them choose first go around. I think Bruce is an ass man, myself"

"He did have a hard time controlling himself when you were rubbing up against him."

"Yeah, and Clint definitely has a weird fascination with my lips."

"I wouldn't say it was _weird_. You do have some serious dick sucking lips. If I wasn't in a committed relationship with Pepper, I'd ask you for a blowjob. Fuck, when she comes back, I might just ask her if its okay."

Chuckling, Darcy shook her head. "She wouldn't let you. And you know it. Plus, I may be a taken woman by then."

"With three men though! What's one blowjob to their friend?"

"Pepper will still say no, so forget about it."

Pouting, Tony huffed, "fine."

"Steve had a hard time pushing me away when I was straddling him. I'll never get bored with all three of them. And there's so many combinations. And just, yumm," she hummed.

"And are you sure they'd agree to this?"

"That's what you're for. You need to talk to each of them, and find out." She raised her arms in a ta-da gesture, because she believed in this plan. Men liked to talk to other men, and she figured if Tony approached each of them carefully, some insight was to be had.

"Uh," Tony looked confused, "you do realize who I am right?"

"Yes! You can do some comparison stories, or something! Or give advice?"

"Eh," with a hand he waved the issue away. "I'll just play it by ear."

"Okay," and now Darcy was rethinking her plan. This was why talking to Tony had the potential to be bad. No. She was Darcy Lewis, and she did _not_ second guess herself. She _tased an alien god_, she could go through with this plan.

"And when they find out you were messing with them?"

Biting her lip, Darcy considered this, as she tried not think about it before. Because there would possibly be some serious ramifications to her ploy. But then, if she didn't go for all of them, it would mean picking _one_, and that just wasn't fair to the other two. And how was she supposed to even pick? Bruce was smart and understood all her pop culture references, and enjoyed trolling Tony. Clint was sassy and snarky, and Darcy could just talk to him all day. And Steve. Steve was just all kinds of sweet and adorable, and she enjoyed the time spent trying to bring him into modern times.

How could she pick?

It would be all or nothing. That decided, she nodded to herself. "I'll bribe them with sex, and tell them its all or nothing."

"Huh." Tony seemed to be mentally calculating, hopefully Darcy's idea had merit. If not, her boss would be able to figure it out.

"Bribing them with sex will probably entice the deal. But you'll have to explain the ultimatum."

"Choosing one would be hard, and bad for the team dynamic, plus make it all kinds of awkward. I may even have to resign, or ask to work remotely from the Malibu office, or something. Should this all fail." Seeing the panic in Tony's eyes, Darcy preened. It always felt good to be needed. "So, tell me how it is. Because it may be better to just pretend none of this happened, and forget any sort of plans."

"I don't think that can happen. I'm pretty sure you've enticed each of them into pursuing you. So you'll have to give the all or nothing speech no matter what. Maybe offer the sex before giving the ultimatum? Give them a taste of what they'll be missing if they say no?"

Tilting her head, Darcy counted to twenty, letting Tony think she was considering what he said. She already thought about that, and was going to do it, but she wanted to let Tony think he contributed, less he choose not to do his part of the plan. She had to keep the man on his toes.

"Sounds good, bossman." Moving in her seat, she finally started to look at what he was working on. "So, work stuff?"

"Why ask when you're just going to cut me off after three words?"

"It's tradition, but fine. I'm going to go to bed, and wake up tomorrow back to 'normal'. You know your part of the plan." Pointing at him and shaking her finger, she ordered, "Don't forget to gather the intel needed before I proceed. I want to have an idea of how much of a failure the plan will be before I enact on it."

Saluting, Tony grinned. "Yes ma'am."


	8. All Covered with Moss

**All Covered with Moss**

Sometimes, in the dark recesses of his mind, Tony liked to pretend he was evil. Not your typical, take over the world evil, but more of the chaotic mischief that Loki used to pull, or so Thor would say. So, when Darcy approached him with her little plot of evil, he was all for it. Especially since his teammates totally did need to get some. It might lead to less complaints over the going-ons when Dr. Foster and Pepper were in the tower.

And seriously, a brother's got to help a brother out. He was being the ultimate wingman. _To everyone_, if Darcy's plan worked.

"Hey Bruce," Tony called out as he poked the man with a shock stick.

"Tony," the man acknowledged, unfazed by Tony's favorite way of greeting. After a few minutes, the man finally looked up from his readings to look at his science bro. "Shouldn't you be in your workshop, working on something?"

"Are you talking about getting my PA back to her normal state of mind, so that you could compete for her affections?"

Taking off his glasses, Bruce sputtered, "I don't know what you mean."

Tony gives him the Look. The look that says everything from 'are you kidding me right now?' to 'yeah, I'll believe it when I see it.'

"Well, have you fixed her? Pepper will be back soon."

"First. Pepper isn't going to be back until Monday at the earliest, so I still have the weekend. But I don't need that time, since Darcy is currently sleeping everything off."

"You said that last time," Bruce said as he wrung his hands.

"This time I'm sure, just ask JARVIS."

"Miss Lewis is currently in her quarters mumbling to herself, sounding as she did before the accident," the electronic British voice responded.

"So, the question is," Tony asked, stroking his beard, "what will you be doing about it?"

"Why would I do something? I just want to forget any of this happened."

"Do you feel like a dirty old man?" Tony teased.

Cringing, Bruce glared at his friend.

"What would that make Steve? Since he's technically the oldest."

"Is there a point to this conversation?" Bruce turned towards the printer, the latest results to his project now available. Opting to ignore Tony, he grabbed them and started reading, figuring Tony would leave him be.

No such luck.

"I know you like her. She knows you like her-"

"What?" Bruce snapped, eyes jumping towards him, only a little green at the edges.

"She was watching the footage," Tony shrugged, grabbing the papers from Bruce's hands.

"And did she say anything?" His cheeks reddened.

Mentally cheering, Tony sent Darcy a high five. "Just that she could remember the feel and liked it."

"Huh?" Tony reminded himself to ask JARVIS for a printout of Bruce's face right then.

"Don't act stupid. We both know you're anything but," he said, deadpanned.

Sheepishly, Bruce looked at his hands. "It's dangerous."

"The Hulk loves her. And she's my PA and has been pictured with all of the Avengers, so there's already a target on her head."

"True. But why would she pick me when Clint and Steve want her. She has better choices."

Sighing, Tony shoved the man's shoulder. If he could, he'd punch him in the face, but the Hulk didn't like him enough to not retaliate to the unnecessary violence. Whatever, time to enact _the plan_. "You know. The three of you and her. That'd be pretty hot."

Bruce rolled his eyes, but Tony could tell he was contemplating the idea.

"And if it happens, can I record it?"

"Get out of my lab, Tony."

Saluting, Tony grinned and walked away.

_One down, two to go_.

"So, I know that when we renovated the tower, we had expanded the air ducts. But I seriously did that as a joke. I didn't think you actually used them," Tony mused as he leaned against the hallway wall, watching as Clint jumped down.

Smirking, the archer threw his bow across his back. "If they're there..." He shrugged, and walked towards his quarters.

Stepping beside the man, Tony walked with him. "So, how was your trip to the zoo? Did you see the watershow thing that just started?"

Tony laughed in his head at the cringe crossing the other man's face. Sadly, JARVIS didn't have any good footage of the trip. Apparently the zoo's security cameras were sparse at best, so Tony was only able to the pair in the reptile exhibit. Not that that wasn't enlightening, it was enough for now. But it didn't stop him from considering making a large donation to the zoo to up their security.

"I'm sure you _saw_ it already."

"Don't know what you mean," he waved away the accusation with a gesture of his hand. "So you and Darcy?"

"Are nothing like you're thinking," Clint quickly responded, followed by the quiet muttering of "_yet_."

"Yet?" Tony turned his head to give his teammate a good long hard look. "And what if she isn't interested?"

"I highly doubt she isn't. We've been dancing around the idea of us since New Mexico."

"True. But now Bruce and Steve are in the picture."

Shrugging, the man looked Tony directly in the eye, in all seriousness, and said, "If she's interested in them, that's fine. I've shared before. And they're good looking guys, so whatever."

Tony's jaw dropped. Snapping it shut, he glared. "Are you telling me that you'd be happy to be in a polyamorous relationship with my PA and two of our teammates?"

"You can't deny it wouldn't be hot." Clint's eyes raked Tony's body (he did not shudder!) before stepping into his suite, and shutting the door in Tony's face.

"Well, that was unexpected," Tony whispered. He figured Clint would be the easiest of the three, and the most open-minded, but to be on board from the get-go?

Yeah, unexpected.

Finding the last team member took little effort. Tony was looking forward to Steve getting with Darcy the most, solely because the man seriously needed a life.

"Do you _ever_ leave the gym?" Tony asked, avoiding the punching bag that was just knocked off the chain.

"Hello, Tony," Steve replied, scrubbing the sweat off his face. He walked over to the line of punching bags, grabbed a new one, and brought it back to the chains. "What can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to know what you thought about _The Lion King_." It took everything in his power to say that with a straight face. To say the least, Tony was happy that _that particular date_ occurred in the tower. The picture of the Captain's face was the current wallpaper on his phone. "I've never actually seen it."

Tony watched as the blush spread from Steve's cheeks to all over his face, to down his neck. Note to self, extremely embarrassing Captain America makes him redder than the stripes he represents. Another thing to add to the plus column to Darcy's plan. He'll never run out of material to tease the man with.

"So you going to finally ask Darcy out?" Tony changed the subject, kind of. He could tell that Steve was thankful for the segue, but not to what the new topic was.

"I was going to. Before the accident."

Tony was nonplussed at the glare being sent in his direction, instead he walked around the man as he began punching the bag. "She'll probably say yes."

Steve's hands moved on instinct, stopping the bag from hitting him in the face. The shock from Tony's response making him lose all focus. Resting his forehead against the leather, he gulped, "You think?"

"Yeah, but you know she's a modern girl, right, Cap?"

"Of course," Steve replied, using the 'duh' tone he picked up from Tony's PA. "Why?"

"Because she maybe want to date you, but also date Bruce and/or Clint. I just want you to be prepared." Tony shrugged, trying to play off his concern. Out of the three men, Steve was the one he was also most worried about. "Because Pepper will hurt you if you break my PA."

Tony watched Steve take deep breaths and consider the new information. "Is that common?"

"Dating multiple people? Yeah. In a serious relationship? Not so much? Sometimes? Depends? Just, Darcy doesn't shut up about you. Or Clint. Or Bruce. It's nauseating." He rolled his eyes, because it's actually true. If he wasn't bored out of his mind, and actually interested in the endgame of all the parties involved, he'd have tried to upgrade the coffee machine again.

"Okay. I'll think about it." Steve nodded at his teammate, turned back to the punching bag. And stared.

"No problem. Just think about it before asking." Tony patted his teammate on the back, and began walking out of the gym, leaving with a parting shot of, "Because _Pepper._"


End file.
